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To avoid serious injury while under the influence of your new LUNGFULL CONSCIOUSNESS ENHANCING DEVICE please familiarize yourself with the following terms and conditions & acknowledge your consent to all stipulations of this Users Agreement by turning to the person next to you & whispering “I AGREE” into their ear. This will act as a “trial run,” preparing you for the repercussions of unexpected language use deemed by many to be provocative, inappropriate, offputting, creepy and/or invasive. Consider the person’s reaction to be not just our way of thanking you by proxy for having picked up this copy but also a prelude to your arrival into liminal space. This fine print is the beginning of yr hero’s journey.
There are other heros who have allowed Lungfull to be the stalwart guardian against the insipid & dull, by their generous grants, donations & by leaving their bags & wallets unattended at dark candlelit readings. Your willful disregard for your own money makes our profound financial irresponsibility (Editor, 11 years ago: “I know! I’ll run a magazine!”) Shakespeare nailed it: How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a weary world. Chief among the avatars of cultural equity are Kathleen Masterson, Catherine Leahy & everyone at NYSCA who manage to squeeze more out of the increasingly tight budget year after year in their unceasing support of the arts. Also Thom Didado, Rob Casper & all the literary buccaneers of CLMP. Additional vast tracts of appreciation for Arwen Lowbridge at Fractured Atlas for their continued facilitation. Inaugural thanks with the anticipation of much more to come for the Volunteer Lawyers for the Arts as Lungfull makes the leap from Labor of Love to Small but Evil Corporation. Believe it or not, also thanks to the foundations who passed on the opportunity to help fund our venture this time around for having taken the time to think about it. Organizations like The Greenwall Foundation. “One can pay back the loan of gold, but one dies forever in debt to those who are kind.”... Malayan Proverb. If it weren’t for their mostly unappreciated work helping other operations we’d be a lot less inspired around here. Of course, with the Ford Foundation, one less Crown Victoria would have fully funded Lungfull through 2012 at which point the Mayan gods return to flip over cars & melt Rattner’s Altantic Yards project.
Our subscribers too fill our hearts with glee even more than they do our coffers with green.
Once again, we must pause to remember the great pyrotechnics launched by those wrongfully rejected or otherwise mistreated by this magazine. Their ongoing commitment to self-importance stands as a testament to how much better they are than anyone who appears in these pages. Let us think too of those who have told us they prefer to not have their work appear in Lungfull. Are we fools for continuing to admire Bob Creely, Ken Koch & Lee Fiedlander despite thir lack of interest in this project? Perhaps but we have always held as a more valued skill the ability to admire than the ability to be admired.
The Wizard: I mean, we're all fucked, more or less, you know?
Travis Bickle: I don't know, that's about the dumbest thing I ever heard.
The Wizard: It's not Bertrand Russell, but what do you want, I'm a cabbie, you know? What do I know?
You know who else we admire? Those people who have run ads in the back. The world would be a lesser place if it weren’t for them, and Lungfull would be a few pages shorter. Those ads, apply them directly to your forehead, or to other parts of your body, or other people’s bodies.
& speaking of discrete genstures, Oscar Wilde once said “The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention.” We have perhaps too much love here at Lungfull & we ask that these people take a little off our hands: SS, CF, AB & the former & future bats in the belfry of the Poetry Project, Eric Lorberer for his work serving our Lorb, Al of the Bagel Zone, Howard Zinn, The Thanksgiving Shade Grown Coffee Company, The Breaktime Cookie Company, Dave Brinks & Megan Burns of New Orleans’ Yawp & Gold Mine Saloon, Rev. Severina, Mr. Denny in the Honey Island Swamp, Mary McTague, Nick & Angela, Jim Behlre & Alex at Zinc Bar, Abigail & J Clarkson, Claudia Lorber & Bill, Douglass Rothschild, Jackie Sheeler & poetz.com, luckymojo.com, Shardav Industries, Danny J., Matt Glassmeyer, Rep. John Conyers, Susan Brennan, Jen Benka, David Kirshenbaum & Boog Lit, Mister Sirius, Eugene Ostashevsky, MacGregor Card, Matvei Y & Anna M of UDP, Joel Kuszai and Bill Marsh from Factory School, Aaron Brashear & Mic Holwin & Concerned Citizens of Greenwood Heights, Friends of Green-wood Cemetery, Community Board 7, Thomas Coghlan, Noam Chomsky, Erica Kaufman, David Cameron, John Wallingford, Jordan Davis, CE Putnam & Mo in Seattle, Jit, Simon & Tam in Chiang Mai, Michael Kelleher & the Just Buffalo Literary Center, Jeffrey Nelson, Paola Casarini, Brandon Downing & Melissa Cacha, Marcella Durand & Rich O’Russa, Greg Fuchs, Vincent Katz & Vanitas, Bruce Covey & Coconut, Ram Devineni & Rattapallax & so many others.
Can’t get Lungfull at your local bookstore? Try wearing some pants you freak — nobody’s going to sell you anything without pants on. I mean come on! Did you misunderstand the name “woodland?” The Woodland Pattern Center, St. Mark’s Books and other joints that carry Lungfull have enough trouble attracting customers without people walking around with their hoo-ha all out & shit. If this is too much for you, just go to www.lungfull.org & subscribe. Maybe buy a few copies and fashion some crude hotpants from their slick waterpoof cover before you go out on the town, fellah. Lungfull now has twice the moisture-trapping ability of Pampers or Huggies. One less thing to worry about in today’s go-get-em world.
Domestic subscriptions are $19.90 for 2 issues & $39.80 for 4 issues. For $595 you get the lifetime package: Cagney & Lacey will deliver copies to your door every year until you have passed away. The “cluster” or “established pattern” of unfortunate accidents befalling lifetime subscribers has been over-represented in the media & should certainly not dissuade you from subscribing today, nor should it be seen as inducement to take out a gift subscription for enemies. Make checks payable to Brendan Lorber, not Lungfull! (every time we try to slip through a check made out to Lungfull a man follows us home from the bank & sits in the living room staring at us. It totally skeeves us out.) And send them to Subscriptions, Lungfull!magazine, 316 23rd Street, Brooklyn, NY 11215. You may also obtain additional Lungfull Stickers for a dollar a sticker. RUNNING BACK GUARANTEE: If at any time you become disenchanted with the journal we will dispatch an immense football player to run through your apartment knocking things over, sign endorsement deals & pour Gatorade on your pets/roommate. These offers expire on 12/10/07 unless subsequent notices rescind or extend them.
Lungfull! is printed, bound, gold-leafed and sealed with wax by the bee-keeper monks of Sterling Pierce. They have spun platinum out of creaky old digital files & will continue to do so for a long long time, we hope.
Lungfull! is distributed around the U.S. & in Europe by Deboers & Ubiquity. What’s a distributor you may ask? They work next door to those late night infomercial companies that say Inventors! Let us help you get rich! We will patent your idea! I’m sure we’ll start making the big money sometime soon. We’d settle for medium or even extremely small money. Speaking of which, we know its time to go to bed when Play-to-Win.com comes on channel 11 – some crazy infomercial quiz jumble show where the scrambled letters always spell Bill Cosby & the Grand Prize is…say it! Eight! Hundred! And! Fifty! Dollars! The best part of the infomercial is that they break for real commercials. When Rev.Dollah comes on after we know all is truly lost for tomorrow. Now, sadly, our busted up TV, bought in 1860 & powered by steam & ambergris, has passed away. I used to have a backup TV but I sold it to Jordan Davis who subsequently got rid of it too. “It was like a houseguest that wouldn’t leave. We still like him, but our lives kind of stopped.” We would be negligent if we failed to mention that, while we maintain amicable relationships with our distributors & expect to be paid sometime or other, Desert Moon Periodicals has declared that they will Never pay any publishers ever & are, of course much beloved by magazines tricked into doing business with them.
Lungfull! welcomes submissions of text & visual art from people of all backgrounds, ethnicities & classes in the US & internationally. We publish work of emerging & established writers at all stages of their career/anti-career. All submissions must be accompanied by a cover letter in which you forsake the self-important grandstanding – (have you actually read all those journals you were published in Mr. Bigshot?) in favor of explaining why you want anything to do with Lungfull. Response time varies and routinely exceeds people’s annoyance threshold. If you enjoy being annoyed or, even better, have enough going on that a year or so won’t play on your nerves then we can’t wait to see what you got up your sleeve. Please do not query us, or complain to others, before one year has passed. We publish 2% of received submissions, so we send our apologies in advance. Submissions without sases will be mocked & discarded.
«You wouldn't know what to do with your fucking country if we gave it back to you.»—Robert Altman. The Letters & Poems to the Editor section is, like the Democratic Party, a way of fostering the illusion of community participation in a process the people really have no control over. It’s also fun because, unlike the rest of the magazine where people are always accosting the editor for having been rejected, people complain in almost equal numbers for having their letters printed without permission. Send submissions & letters to the editor to 316 23rd Street, Brooklyn, NY 11215.
RECALL NOTICE: Some Sony batteries used in other literary magazines may pose a safety hazard by bursting into flames, launching venomous liquid, putting Bobby McFerin’s song in your head, placing ecoli into the nation’s spinach supply, having sex with underage Congressional pages, shaking babies or leaving them unattended in the bathtub, producing movies inspired by Tarantino, obtaining lucrative pentagon contracts. You should stop using these magazines immediately & replace them with safe reliable lungfull. Or Fence. Very few people have been injured reading Fence & all seven cases were over a year ago, so they probably have figured out what was going wrong. Almost everyone wro reads Hanging Loose vanishes within six months, replaced with someone who looks like the HL reader but is somehow different, so that one we would recommend steering clear of. & Rain Taxi, for reasons too frightening to go into. Suffice it to say Michael Hutchins read Rain Taxi.
Lungfull is proud to have received The American Opthamologists Association Award of Excellence for having generated so many new eye doctor patients with this ridiculous fine print that you, for some reason, have opted to read. Not even the Editor reads this. In fact, he’s covered his keyboard with seeds & bread crusts so the local pigeons can finish writing it. He left for New Orleans like twenty minutes ago to research the editorial. You on the other hand keep reading this as though there will be some great revelation at hand. The only secrets you do not already know are just of the smutty variety, all of which you could probably guess. You tell us one first & then we’ll tell you.
The material in this magazine, from headlines to the tiniest of fonts is ontologically true, but legally it is opinion. The portions that may leave us open for lawsuits should be read as, you know, satire. Lungfull!magazine, Disconnecting the dots, The stakes are big, the mistakes are bigger, wronging the writers, writing the wrongs & all other materials written or created by the editor are copyright (c)2006 Brendan Lorber. All other writing & visual art is copyrighted property of their respective creators. All rights are dishes best reserved cold.

 

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