END OF USER LICENSE AGREEMENT
Congratulations! By reading this far you hereby agree to the terms & conditions of Lungfull’s Binding E(O)ULA. Your responsible enjoyment is our number one priority and, as with other corporations that pretend to sell you things when really they’re selling restricted, revocable licenses, we think the complete revocation of all your rights will do nothing but enhance your heavily monitored appreciation of this magazine. As you read this issue, bear in mind that it remains our property. What you are doing this very moment could be grounds for criminal prosecution unless you can provide the encryption cipher scripted in your dongle. More importantly, because consumption of this journal will affect your own production of writing, dance, music and visual art, all your creative endeavors subsequent to this moment are preemptively the intellectual property of Lungfull!magazine. Similarly, because reception of all cultural phenomena will be experienced through the filter of having read Lungfull!, you confer total ownership to us of anything you read, see, hear, taste smell or, in some filthy cases, feel. Any books, paintings or movie tickets purchased by you may be collected at any time. Or TV’s, did we mention TV’s? And an Xbox. Eddie Berrigan was looking for one. Please leave your apartment door unlocked to avoid additional collection fees. In any future reference to works of art, you must replace the “traditionally accepted” creator with the “legal” creator, as in “Lauren Ireland’s The Color Purple” or “Downing’s Inferno.” The editors may crash at your place unannounced, and introduce themselves as you throughout the day. Please clearly label everything in your fridge so we know what’s good. You may not reproduce or store Lungfull! through any means including Benedictine monks, making rubbings, reading aloud or remembering anything about the journal including this agreement. Failure immediately rescinds your rights to this magazine and all recollection of it. Sal, our trained mule/contract negotiator, has developed rear hoof kick techniques for “shutting off” those portions of your post-neocortex linked to joy, happiness & enlightenment without affecting other processes like how to use Powerpoint at your terrible job or thinking of clever rejoinders after the fact. We also reserve the right to sabotage any relationships, personal or professional, in which Lungfull has played even the smallest role. This includes pretending to be your pimp or the guy you rent a basement from for dog fights. Because we are shaped by our experiences, and this magazine is now one of yours, you agree that you are the property of Lungfull and that any residual illusion of “self” that you may perceive is wholly dependent on this license agreement. Upon the termination of this agreement by any party, “you” cease to exist. We may continue to live in your apartment, especially if you have cute roommates. This copy of lungful is provided as is, without any representations of its safety. All adults should keep Lungfull! away from children and all children should hide it from adults. Nobody, really, ought to be reading this. Several times a year we will invoke Power of Attorney and will require total access you your bank account and credit card. We are not responsible for your having to file bankruptcy under Chapter 11, Chapter 7 or the chapter in which Charley Anderson arrives, hungover, in New York after The Great War. Please provide us with a phone number where we can reach you at all hours. When you pickup and hear a voice say “Why don’t you pass the time with a game of solitaire?” you will know what to do.
There are plenty of additional people who know what to do without any Manchurian Candidate post-hypnotic prompts. Outside of the editors, the following people’s hard work helped make this issue of Lungfull! possible. Inside the editors, it’s too dark to work except in the case of Todd Colby who swallowed a hook light last year but everything’s so humid & jiggling around in there that it’s like, don’t try to get anything useful done. Speaking of not getting anything useful done, our dear dear Governor Patterson has cut New York State’s arts funding to just under what most New Yorkers spend on lifesize paintings of the governor to hang above their mantelpiece. That is to say, to not very much. Kathleen Masterson and Catherine Leahy and everyone at NYSCA may be the only thing standing between humanity and the abyss, or at least between New York and a somewhat less culturally compelling Delaware. Maybe they could move their offices to one of the state parks the governor’s also closing. Send your FY2012 grant application to Chief Ranger Masterson and Naturalist Guide Leahy c/o New York Minnewaska State Park Council on the Arts. What does it say about a civilization’s priorities that the artists and organizations are as worried about their funder’s funding as they are their own? If any foundation facing layoffs agrees to pay Lungfull enough to hire the entire staff of that foundation, we’ll gladly put them on salary immediately. Did we thank NYSCA in that tirade against the collapse of our unsustainable economic model? Well we meant to because we do so in thought & conversation every day. And even if we find ourselves next year living in a subsistence farm at the Harriman State Shanty Town, we will continue to thank NYSCA for their stalwart service in the name of cultural equity.
And lets hear it for other all the other commissioners of the better world we could live in if there were more people like them. People like Aunt Genevieve DeFeo. People like Jamie Schwartz, Jeffrey Lependorf, Jay Baron Nicorvo and the rest of CLMP. We’d be nowhere without the fiscal sponsorship & ongoing assistance of Dianne Debicella, Adam Forest Huttler, Tim Cynova and Alexandra Gray at Fractured Atlas. Thanks also to the foundations that were unable to fund us this year. We’re a-comin, Volunteer Lawyers for the Arts! We stole Ugly Duckling’s 501c3 incorporation documents and are busy filling in our own names. Also thanks to all the people who opted out of breaking into my car and stealing the GPS. Next year I hope this category increases by one person. Thanks to Minha Kahn & Jesse Tobin for working the book table at last issue‘s release party. And to Lucas Stensland for shaking down everyone at the door using his proprietary This-Land-is-Stensland technique. And to everyone who donated work for the auction. Where the hell is my list? Elizabeth Zechel, Melissa Cacha, Todd Colby, Tracey McTague. Others. And to all those who so wildly bid on the items and won. And to Alex and everyone at Zinc for opening the joint to us. They encourage us, through the miracle of booze, to keep up the “good” work of publishing a poetry journal. Thanks also to Aurora for her continued all-illuminating glow. Maybe that glow is what’s preventing her form sleeping through the night. And for learning to share as in: “What the fu—for heavens sake, Aurora! Where did you get — Can you share the double-edge katana samurai sword with papa? Slowly? Can you slowly share the two-handed deliverer of instant death with papa. Nice and easy. Attagirl! Sharing!” When I was a kid, childproof was the cheaper, diluted version of regular 80-proof Smirnov Vodka that we drank on the stoop.
Lungfull is indebted to the following people for their help and their inspiration this past year. Here’s hoping they don’t all need kidneys this year because I’ve only got a couple and I owe them all at least that — God knows I’d feel bad handing Stacy Szymaszek’s surgeon a blackmarket baboon kidney that I bought under the BQE (I know a guy) and wishing her best of luck with the transplant. So thanks Stacy, Corrine and Arlo at the Poetry Project. And Steve too. Thanks Eric Lorberer, my Midwestern doppleganger. Thanks three wise men of Southside Coffee, the crew at Red Horse and what’s his name at Roots, Beth Laule for the constant supply of baked goods and to Scott, Baxter & Emily too, Erik Sweet in Albany, John Trudell, Rolls Andre, Matt Easton, Anna & Dionysios Grevenitis (& Lulu & Andoni & Carlos), Chris Martin & Puppyflowers, Awesome CFI Jason Catanzariti – this is the year I go back to the sky, The Wall Street Journal, Dave Brinks & Megan Burns of New Orleans’ Yawp & Gold Mine Saloon (Hi Mina & Blaze, welcome Issa), Kate Johnson & her team, Rev. Severina, Nik & Angela, Jim Behrle, Abigail, J & Louisa Clarkson, Brett T. Evans, Claudia Lorber & Bill, Douglass Rothschild, Jackie Sheeler & poetz.com, luckymojo.com, Xtine, Shardav Industries, Danny The Tree Surgeon, David Kirshenbaum & Boog Lit, Bruce Covey in Hotlanta, Coconut & Emory University, Eugene Ostashevsky, Macgregor Card, Matvei Y & Anna M of UDP, Joel Kuszai and Bill Marsh from Factory School, Genese Grill & the enduring spirit of Aesthesia, Green-wood Cemetery, Community Board 7, Thomas Coghlan, Noam Chomsky, Erica Kaufman, David Cameron, Giuseppe Castellacci, John & Yoko, Fred Yannantuono, Lila Cecil for making writers’ lot a lot better, Dear departed BarBQ, Carlos Reynoso for not dying like times now, Arnie and his crew, Lou Asekoff for his years of service to the task, David Cameron & Holly White & Master Ian Ezekial Bubbles Papillon Cameron, John Wallingford, Jordan Davis, CE Putnam & Mo in Seattle, Dick Wolf, Jeffrey Nelson, Paola Casarini, Lisa Napoli, Nora Wynn, Brandon Downing & Melissa Cacha, Jess Fiorini, Christine Hamm, Marcella Durand, Rich O’Russa & Ismael, Greg Fuchs, Vincent Katz & Vanitas, Sawako Nakayasu, Ram Devineni & Rattapallax, Anthony at Verizon Wireless(!), the Dave Clark baby-cry-attenuating aviation headset company. Gigi, Jeep & Marvin, appreciation for whom I try to voice every day. Thanks to Natashia the birthing instructor and Antoinette the doula. Endless thanks for Kristen the midwife – we’re still looking for that pony. Thanks advertisers! And you - thank you for buying, or otherwise obtaining this copy.
If Lungfull! isn’t available at your local bookstore, perhaps that’s because you don’t have any money, which many stores demand before you saunter out the door. We recommend finding a receipt for Going Rogue in the trash outside the store. Grab new a copy off the shelf and “return” it. Then use the store credit for two copies of Lungfull! What other problems you got? Lets solve them right here in the fine print. Can’t get a date? Maybe you should’ve become a doctor instead of a poet, Einstein. Eyes hurt? Stop reading this tiny type and move on to the real writing. Or, if you’re not ready for that, screw around online for awhile. Our delightful little website: www.lungfull.org offers untold divertissements and petit bonbons, including ample opportunity to purchase a subscription if you found someone’s credit card number in the trash outside that store while you were at it. What else did you find in the trash? You going to finish that sandwich? Is that honey-mustard? No?
If check forging is more your style, Mr. Fallopian T. Rocketmellons, make it payable to Brendan Lorber, not Lungfull! Send it to Subscriptions, Lungfull!magazine, 316 23rd Street, Brooklyn, NY 11215. You may also obtain additional Lungfull Stickers for a dollar a slap.
MONEY BACKSTREET BOYS GUARANTEE: If at any point you become disenchanted with the material in this issue of Lungfull! magazine, you should listen to the clean cut boy band to remind yourself how far off the rails something can go and still be considered “art.” New Kids they ain’t. And even New Kids were no Menudo.
Lungfull! is printed, bound & waterproofed right here in New York by the awesome team at Sterling-Pierce. For 15 years they’ve made Lungfull look better than we hoped it would and much better than we deserve. Who have you known for 15 years? Only the best people make it that long. Only the best. If you have something to print, have them do it – how often do you find the perfect storm of nice guys/low cost/high quality.
Lungfull!, originally carried by my trusty steed Molly the Motorbike (RIP 1985-2008) is now distributed around the U.S., Canada & Europe by Ingram & by Ubiquity. Much more efficient, but much less soulful and harder to pick up chicks afterwards, right?
SEARCH WARRANTY: If you lose your copy of lungful and/or are a person of interest in a heinous crime, we will arrive at your home in the middle of the night with a court order and a battering ram and find either that issue with Anselm Berrigan or that bag of weird trophies from the dozen unsolved murders. Either way, you’re coming downtown.
Lungfull! welcomes submissions of text & visual art from people of all backgrounds, ethnicities & classes in the US & internationally. We publish work of emerging & established writers at all stages of what they mistakenly believe to be a career. All submissions must be accompanied by a cover letter in which you forsake the self-important grandstanding. If a technique wouldn’t work picking us up drunk in a bar, it won’t work in making us feel sympathy for your work. It will only remind us how much more fun we could be having drunk in a bar than sitting around a big worktable reading mss. Instead, try explaining why you want anything to do with Lungfull. Response time varies and routinely exceeds people’s annoyance threshold. If you enjoy being annoyed or, even better, have enough going on that a year or so won’t play on your nerves then we can’t wait to see what you got up your sleeve. Please do not query us, or complain to others, before one year has passed. We publish 2% of received submissions, so we send our apologies in advance. Submissions without sases are great experiments in the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. Did we ever get your submission? Did we ever make a decision?
Did we print your letter without permission? Did someone else write a letter and sign your name to make you look bad? Welcome to Lungfull! Small presses make everyone look a little tattered around the edges. At least we’re honest about it. If you are angry, why not send us a letter! We get tired of reading letters from people who were rejected. Such a breath of fresh air to hear from people angry at being accepted. Don’t worry, we wouldn’t want to be members of any club that would have us as members either. Send submissions & letters to the editor to 316 23rd Street, Brooklyn, NY 11215. PLEASE NOTE: Anything you send that isn’t a submission, subscription, ticking or dripping will be considered a letter to the editor & printed.
Who exactly is reading this line? Nobody. Nobody except Dustin Williamson but only because he just Googled his own name. Hi Dustin! We should totally go get a drink sometime. Long overdue.
Lungfull Labs, the research arm of our organization has determined that the perfect joke MUST involve robots, zombies and hobos. Here is our contribution to the nascent cannon...
A zombie and his brother the hobo walk into a robot-doctor’s office.
Zombie: “Diognostic robot-doctor alpha-499, you gotta help us. Our life is in shambles. My hobo brother thinks his bindle stick is an enormous head.”
Hobo: (whistles a hobo tune, lights a fire in robot-doctor’s trash can to keep warm)
Robot-doctor: “Optical scan indicates stick with handkerchief attached. Contents: change of socks, old photo, small units of victual. Standard hobo effects. Bzzzzclick. Diagnosis: not an enormous head. Have you tried telling him ‘Attention Earth-hobo, this is not an enormous head.’”
Zombie: “I would tell him... but we need the brains, robot!”
The material in this magazine is opinion except things that are patently true. If you disagree with it, let’s say it’s someone else’s opinion. Everything you think is wrong/unfounded/offensive was written by Eva Hoffman, author of Lost in Translation. Anything you like was written by us, but stolen from Ms. Hoffman. Anything lawsuit-worthy ought to be considered satire or, in particularly grievous cases, just an extended typo. Lungfull!magazine, Disconnecting the dots, The stakes are big, the mistakes are bigger, wronging the writers, writing the wrongs, & all other materials written or created by the editor are copyright (c)2010 Brendan Lorber. Even. This. Word. All other writing & visual art is copyrighted property of their respective creators. Right thought, right speech, right action & all other rights on and off the eightfold path are reserved.
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